So things with my job are crazy right now, and unfortunately I
do not have the time to focus on my writing as much as I would like. However I
know all of my readers have been eagerly awaiting my next entry so I decided to
dig into the vault on this one.
To preface this entry has nothing to do with music. I wrote it
during my deployment to Iraq in 2011. I wrote it as a joke for my supervisor as
she returned to the states early to attend the Sergeants Major academy.
Although the individuals in this story are real people, their
quotes are not; none of these events actually happened, and this should not be
taken as anything other than a lark on my part.
Please enjoy.
Spc. Andrew Ingram
U.S. Division-North Public Affairs
CONTINGENCY OPERATING BASE SPEICHER, Iraq – Master Sgt. Carmen
Daugherty, noncommissioned officer in charge, public affairs office and all
around social butterfly, 4th Infantry Division and U.S. Division-North,
departed Contingency Operating Base Speicher, Iraq, May 6.
Even as the wheels of the C-130 left the tarmac headed to Joint Base Balad and
America, things started to go wrong for Task Force Ironhorse.
Immediately moral dropped as the number of parties thrown plummeted, and
as a result AFES could not afford to keep the PX open, further depleting the
already depressed moral of the COB Speicher Soldiers.
“We didn’t realize how important she was to the mission,” said Sgt. or Staff
Sgt. Brad Baker, (He really wants to be a staff sergeant). “I work on night
shift so I never saw her, but now when I show up for work everyone is
grouchy.”
Additionally USD-N team found it impossible to complete their assigned tasks,
because supply never seemed to have paper or printer cartages. It turns out Daugherty
was responsible for some under-the-table deal that insured supplies made it to
the company supply rooms on time.
None of the DSTB’s 92Y would comment on the kerfuffle.
Without Daugherty’s ability to wheel-and-deal the public affairs shop soon grew
to be hated by the rest of the staff. Every time a soldier came in looking for
a photo or photographer Sgt. 1st Class Brent Williams would reply with “Rucka,
rucka, rucka, command information, rucka, rucka, no special favors, rucka, rucka,
kill.”
When the PA shops new hardliner mentality butted heads with the G6 shop’s love
for red tape it started a chain reaction which lead to an all out riot. (Spc.
Fabian wanted glamour shots for his portfolio, Spc. Ingram wanted to put World
of Warcraft on his NIPER computer and things kinda snowballed, next thing you
know G1 has declared a blood feud against the division engineers and the
commandants office went on strike, it was a messy affair but I digress.)
“I see any of them Div. Engineer SOBs, whoowee I’m gonna bust some heads,” said
Spc. Jacob Upchurch, admin specialist and G1 hit man. They can’t talk good and
their mothers dress them funny.”
In the end Sgt. Maj. Dailey had to karate chop everyone into submission and
article 15s were dropped from command group onto the JOC floor like confetti.
The new chaplain, Lt. Col. Keith Goode, will hold a memorial service for the
soldiers killed during the madness next week.
The names of the deceased are being withheld pending notification of next of
kin…. But I will tell you that most of the deaths took place during the Great
G7 Fire. (Michael Bay is already showing interest in turning this tragic event
into a multimillion-dollar blockbuster.)
Fed up with how crazy everything had gotten at D-Main without her, Maj. Gen.
David G. Perkins personally flew to States to plead with Daugherty to return.
“We realized that the 4th Infantry Division needs good senior NCO’s like Master
Sgt. Daugherty,” said Perkins. “Please come back and fix everything!”
Perkins offered Daugherty a battlefield promotion to Sergeant Major, but
Daugherty said the only way she would return to Iraq is if she was allowed to
bring her trusty dog Tripper with her.
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