PAO goes insane

For those of you who don’t know I served for a year in Iraq as a journalist with the Headquarters element of the 4th Infantry Division.

The hours were long. The heat was grueling and to be honest I was so focused on my mission, I might have gone a little nuts.

There was one week, however, when there were no missions to write about, no MWR events to take photos of and no partnership training events with the Iraqi Security Forces to cover.

After 6 months straight of busting my ass to get as many stories approved and published as possible, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I actually stressed out about not having any work to do.

I thought I was cracking up.

How did I cope?

I wrote a fake news story about cracking up, the soldiers I as embedded with at the time liked it so much they insisted we take photos to go along with it. I cannot emphasize enough that these shots were staged and while real no weapons were loaded in these photos. 

I hope you enjoy my insanity as much as I did. 

Spc. Andrew Ingram

Ft. Leavenworth Public Affairs

CONTINGENCY OPERATING SITE WARRIOR, Iraq – Two soldiers received minor wounds when two public affairs specialists lost their minds and began assaulting people earlier today.

            Staff Sgt. Robert Dedeaux and Spc. Andrew Ingram stormed into the headquarters of the 101st Brigade Support Battalion on COB Warrior with a battering ram.

Weapons drawn, they demanded that everyone get on the floor. Then, one-by-one, they began to question the hostages.

            “It was completely insane” said Spc. Walt Anderson, who declined to mention his unit or job description, but was very proud to say he was from Granit Bay, Claif. “They came in the door with a battering ram! I don’t know why they did that ‘cuz the door wasn’t even locked!”

            The deranged soldier’s questions seemed to mainly revolve around basic information about the hostages’ daily lives and duties during deployment.

            “The Specialist kept screaming ‘What’s your full name!? What unit do you belong to? ALPA WHAT!?’” explained a shell shocked Pfc. who started crying when asked for her identity. “Then the big Staff Sgt. started shouting ‘GIVE ME THE FORT RILEY TIE-IN! HOW ARE YOU CONTRIBUTING TO OPERATION NEW DAWN!?  I’ve never been so scared in my life! I thought we were all going to die.”

            Several sources corroborate that when Dedeaux was not demanding command messages from his hostages he continually muttered the word “chicken” under his breath.”

            “It was really weird,” said a guy from 2nd Platoon, Company C, 101st Brigade Support Battalion, 1st Advise and Assist Brigade, 1st infantry Division, who’s name I forgot to write down.

            10 minutes into the fiasco members of the Kirkuk Police Emergency Response Unit’s raid team and soldiers from the 12th Iraqi Army Division’s commando battalion launched an assault on the 101st headquarters to free the hostages.

            During the ensuing firefight the looney public affairs soldiers managed to shoot each other in the kneecaps, presumably so they could get purple hearts.

            Both madmen were taken alive. As they were dragged away by MPs, Ingram screamed over and over at the top of his lungs through fits of maniacal laughter and weeping, “THE NEWS NEVER SLEEPS, THE NEWS NEVER SLEEPS!”

              The psychotic duo traveled by police pick-up truck to the EMEDS where a confidential source said they were treated for their kneecaps as well as severe exhaustion and caffeine withdrawal.

            “That stupid specialist stopped drinking coffee half way through a deployment,” said the source, who could be demoted and sent to work in the commandants office for revealing patients information. “That’s the message we want to tell the soldiers on the ground. Caffeine is an essential part of a soldier’s warrior diet. How can you expect to stay in top killing shape if you aren’t jacked up on Rip-its and espresso all the time?”

            Maj. Mini, the dimwitted duo’s OIC said he realized he was probably working his soldiers too hard when he assigned the task of writing this story to the very soldiers who perpetrated the crime in the first place.

            Aside from minor grammar errors, pointed out by an unnamed source, the story was submitted at 11:59 Thursday morning, just in time to make the front page of the Ivy Leaf before the idiots were put on a plane for Ft. Leavenworth.

  

Staff Sgt. Robert Dedeaux and Spc. Andrew Ingram stack on a friendly building in preparation for an interview.

“So I'm going to need your name your rank your unit home town and why don't you just throw in your bank account info and your mothers maiden name,” demands Spc. Andrew Ingram, public affairs psyco as Staff Sgt. Robert Dedeaux chokes out the interviewee.

Spc. Andrew Ingram searches for interview subjects