Jokermusicblog: Sham Artist

Enterprising Soldier avoids work, hailed for setting the standard

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious… or at least embellished to the point of satire. This is a blog, people, not the New York Times… ok bad example. Regardless names have been altered to protect sources anonymity.

“It’s it isn’t easy ducking the man,” said Spc. Thomas Leaner, his face streaming with sweat as he crouched on the sand a scud-missile bunker. “Sometimes you gotta do work to get out of work, you know?”

Avoiding work, or Shaming, as the kids are calling it these days, is a hallmark of military service, though few speak openly of the practice.

“Its all about being in the right place at the right time,” explained Leaner, a self proclaimed Sham Artist. “Its about reading your NCOs mood, keeping your ear to the ground for cushy details, and listening to the little voice in the back of your head when it says, ‘First Sergeant’s coming around, maybe you should duck into the latrine for half an hour.’”

A wheeled vehicle mechanic deployed to an undisclosed place in the desert, hereafter referred to as POGville, Leaner said he spent five of his six years of service as an active duty Soldier actively dodging responsibility and using his fellow mechanics success to his advantage.

“I worked very hard for the first year I was in the army, but I learned pretty quickly that nobody gave a shit,” he said. “One morning, when I had a wicked awful hangover I dipped out after PT formation. Nobody noticed so I did the same thing the next day. That weekend I traded my medic an hour of labor on his car for a forged profile and I didn’t do PT until I PCSed two years later.”

Leaner added with glee that he in fact never fixed the medic’s car, but convinced an underage private to do the task in exchange for a case of beer which his roommate paid for.

Leaner’s leaders have nothing but praise for the junior Soldier.

“He’s an important part of our maintenance team,” said Sergeant First Class Barry Spacey, Leaner’s Motor sergeant, yet for some reason also his first line supervisor, “He always knows the stats to the Vikings games, which is very important for moral, and I know he’s hard at work because I can never pull him away from our trucks to help with other sections’ vehicles.”

Praise for Leaner’s skills don’t stop on the enlisted side.

Capt. Marty Masters calls the Specialist a solid young Soldier with a bright future in the Army.

“I’ve never seen that kid without grease all over his uniform,” Masters said. “He must spend all his time waist deep in engines. In a couple more years I’d like to see that Soldiers warrant packet on my desk.”

Back in the bunker learner displayed a grin and produced a small can of engine grease he’d hidden somewhere in his PT Shorts after hearing his commanders praise

Learner’s goal is to make Masters proud and join the ranks of warrant officers, whom he respects as masters of Shamcraft.

“Those guys are shamurai warriors,” he said the dreamy glaze of his eyes reflecting the wasted tax dollars of hundreds of hard working Americans. “Nobody knows what they do, so they never have to do anything… Twenty years of free money, man… It’s a beautiful thing”

blinking his way out of his slothful daydream leaner glanced at his watch, and a grin spread across his sweat stained face.

“Afternoon PT is over,” he said, and this reporter finally grasped why he chose such an uncomfortably hot local for his hideout. “I’m headed to the DFAC for wing night, you coming?”